Recently, I’ve been a part of a project with a group of friends and acquaintances for a food justice program. I’ve always enjoyed the work of justice and how it brings people together, how everyone has something to contribute, how everyone experiences a sense of belonging. There is a space inside of justice work that helps those involved grow and shed the old ways that the world has thrust on us in an attempt to forge a path towards the new ways.

A portion of this project is the use of NFTs. Please, don’t get me started on these things. I don’t know what they are, even after being taught a master course by my friend, I’m still trying to feign an elementary level of understanding. Here’s what I do know- NFTs are pictures, they are used as online art, people buy and sell them.

The end.

Seems simple enough? Nah, it’s not. Race and colorism always have a way of creeping in… making itself known even in the spaces that are supposed to be “safe” or at the very least “woke” (I despise this phrase).

We were viewing the first round of the artwork from an Italian designer and I noticed something that stung me, I was the only Black person on the artwork of four women. Why this stung, you may be asking… It stung because one of the other women is also a multiracial person of color. Here’s a picture of four women that will be used to fund the food justice project, and I am drawn in an almost “Aunt Jemima” caricature style with black dots on my skin, while the other three are white-skinned, proportional headed, proportional bodied characters.

I flag this. Immediately.

“Hey… so I just want to flag that I’m the only Black woman on this artwork, and people will notice that, like I did. It may be problematic…” I’ll admit, I was nervous even flagging this. Partially because it’s not my project, partially because I don’t get to chose how another multiracial person identifies.

What I was looking for in that moment was allyship. I was looking for the other woman of color to acknowledge that this was a mistake, that she, too, should have a bit of melanin on her character. I was looking for some reassurance that this was not on purpose, that singling me out on the artwork to add a “bit of diversity” was not something that was preplanned and agreed on. What I got instead was even more confusing.

“We realized we needed some diversity in the image so the artist changed you…” she responded.

“Why weren’t you changed as well? People will notice this.” I asked.

“I don’t know, weird, huh?” She responded.

And then, silence.

Moments like these speak to the complexity of living in The Middle.

I identify as a multiracial woman who shows up in the world as Black. When people see me, the see a Black woman who is lighter-skinned. How this other woman identifies, I don’t know, but I do know it’s not my job to identify her for her. Maybe she didn’t see anything wrong with her character not having melanin? Maybe our two skin tones, though exact as they may be, do not equate likeness in racial identity for her. We both have white mothers and Black fathers. We both grew up around a myriad of different skin colors and backgrounds. We both experience life in The Middle, but somehow, we both came out viewing ourselves differently.

In the end, it wasn’t the way the character was drawn that stung me. It was that I was singled out for “diversity”, I was chosen to be the “token black girl” when there are two women of color on the project. It still doesn’t sit right with me, after several conversations with the project leads, which she happens to be one of.

But it also taught me a valuable lesson, I cannot choose how someone else identifies racially. I’ve had this happen to me my whole life, it’s always made me feel uncomfortable when I’ve had to fight with people about how I identify versus how they would want me to.

The Middle is a place where we are both/and. There really is no “right” way of seeing ourselves or those who exist in this place with us. My hope for this space is to create an atmosphere where we feel free to be ourselves, explore ourselves, and come a little closer to understanding how to fully be both/and.